Five months! Five months since Josiah met Jesus face to face. I know to him it seemed like he’d just gotten there about a minute ago, and was just beginning to explore the Beauty and Grandeur of Heaven. So much to do, people to see, and forever to take it all in!
Us, on the other hand, well, we were still in our state of numbness and reminding ourselves to breathe. My 24/7 consisted of making sure my children continued to put one foot in front of the other. They had come to the conclusion that they didn’t care if they were OK and I had to convince them that all would be well.
I had just dropped off our youngest daughter at her Travel Softball practice. This was the activity where, for brief moments in time, she could step out of the box of grief that encompassed her with a forceful and relentless grip. Fulfilling her end of the promise that she and Josiah had made to each other the night before he died.
We had adopted and yes, even welcomed this lifestyle of practicing several times a week and traveling on the weekends for her to squat behind home plate on 100 degree days. She was a catcher. The comradery of being on and with a team allowed us to be a part of something that brought bits of breaks in our deep sadness.
We were so grateful for the families that loved on our Baby Girl and had Peace knowing that for a short while hopefully she would have more laughs than tears.
When Nothing Comes Out
Since she was staying the night with friends from the team, I looked forward to my ride home. Just me and Jesus! There were still so many things to talk about. My need for strength was a moment by moment request. At the beginning of my 20 minute drive home, I opened my mouth to pray and NOTHING CAME OUT!! Tears began to flow from my eyes, but words did not fill the empty spaces.
Finally, all I could utter was “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” That was it and by then I was home.
A few days after my speechlessness had occurred, I was reading in Romans 8. Most know by heart the familiar verse in Paul’s Book that many use for their “Life Verse.” Words that they quote, trust in, and cling to in order to get through life. When days are hard and the future seems sketchy at best, at least from the way our eyes see it.
What comfort and assurance we have to know that in some how, some way, and some day God will use our worst for His good.
Look Above
I hate to admit it but I couldn’t understand what happened that day when I wanted to “talk” with the Lord but couldn’t. Any grieving Mom will tell you that Brain Fog is real. I do realize and believe that prayer goes both ways…..Talking and Listening. I guess my heart was SO heavy that I felt like I needed to empty what was in it before I could hear. But as I read in Romans 8 it was verses 26 & 27 that lit up my soul like a spotlight, leaving me to wonder no longer about what took place that afternoon during my quiet trip home.
The Holy Spirit was helping me in my weakness on that drive home. When all that would come out was “Jesus” I knew that was enough! The gratitude of knowing that in MY Word-less-ness, the Holy Spirit had me covered. Pleading for me and praying for me in my broken state. By the time I pulled into my driveway, miraculous love for me had taken place in a Heavenly realm.
I wonder if Josiah had been close by to see God in action? What if he recognized that it was my voice calling out to Jesus? I don’t know but I’d sure like to think so. It’s one of those questions that I say I’ll ask when I get to Heaven but I’m certain that when I arrive in eternity, the answers won’t matter anymore.
Speaking of Questions
The reason I looked forward to driving alone that night in the first place was because, even BEFORE the last 5 months of God carrying me, He had shown Himself to me over and over again. I could tell God anything and everything, counting on Him to bend His Ear toward me. I knew that’s where my comfort was. THE…ONLY…PLACE!
I’m so thankful that God wants and longs for us to “Pour our hearts out to Him.” Whether it’s in tears, anger, fear, or just asking Him, “What were you thinking???”
One of the statements that I heard quite frequently after Josiah died was, “Now I know you’re not supposed to ask God why…..” They usually didn’t make it any further until I boldly asked, “Why?? If God says to “Pour our hearts out to Him,” I’m sure that He doesn’t have a list of “QUESTIONS YOU MUST NOT ASK!” I ask WHY all the time. “Why did Josiah die when he was so excited about his life? Why did he not escape the toxic relationship sooner? Why this and why that?”
Pretty sure my questions aren’t going to shock God off His throne. I’m also certain that when we ask something He doesn’t answer with, “Wow! Haven’t thought of that before. Let me get back to you on that!” God wants all of our heart and since He knows what’s in mine at all times, I figure it’s easier to go ahead and get it out there in the open so He can show me how to deal with it and get on with life.
Just go back and look at David in the Psalms. You never had to guess what he was thinking. He held nothing back! We may never know the answers to our questions this side of Heaven, but like David, we can trust God with the confidence that He is a God of absolute and complete love for us. David always came back around to the same resolution of telling God how amazing He is and thanking Him for life.
In all of the uncertainties and just not knowing, sometimes I just say, “God, thank you for the 23 years that we had with Josiah and the Joy of his life. I’ll concentrate on that today instead of focusing on the time we’ll never have again here on earth.
And if you have things to say but your words fail, that’s OK too. The Holy Spirit will take it from there.
My Prayer For You
“Dear Lord, thank you for the Holy Spirit that pleads for us in our weakness. Please help the precious Mother’s whose hearts are filled with heaviness. May we pour every hurt out to you and rest in knowing that there’s nothing that we could ever say that would make You love us less. In Jesus’ Name, Amen”