“God, would You please give me something today? Something to hold onto, to let me know that my boy is enjoying his birthday with You.”
As Lila, my Great Dane, and I headed out on our usual morning walk, the words just flowed out of my mouth. This was my Hope today. I believe that Hope is the expectation of good things to come. It’s too good to not believe. And, like a million little assurances before, I knew God would do what I could not.
July 12th was here. I could’ve told you that many days beforehand because of the lump in my throat that just wouldn’t go away. The day that sweet memories of having my 3rd born son filled….and stung my heart, all at the same time.
“My Personal God”
I’ve shared with you before that I was asked about 4 weeks after Josiah went to Jesus, ” What have you learned from all of this?” Without hesitation, I blurted out, “That God is a PERSONAL God! He meets me everywhere I am, no matter the condition of my emotions.”
The ways in which God has shown me that He’s heard the cries of my desperate heart are a balm to my wounded soul. And I’m talking time and time again that leave no explanation or doubt that any of it could be a coincidence.
Lila and I finished our walk, so I settled into a rocking chair on the front porch. To reminisce about the talks that Josiah and I would have while sitting in these same chairs. I had no sooner sat down when I got a call from a dear sweet friend.
“Hi, I’m in the ER. They brought me by ambulance, so I was wondering if you could give me a ride home?” My response was a quick yes before I even asked where I would be coming to. That was my next question. “Which hospital?” Then she said, “The one in town.” My heart dropped. The very same ER where they pronounced Josiah’s death. I don’t even have to explain to my Mom friend’s how visiting some places make you feel.
I gave my word. After all, this sweet person had no idea of what had taken place there to cause such trauma. I just thought, “I’ll just pull up to the door, she’ll get in the car and it will be over.” Well…..not so simple. I had to go into the hospital and ask for her. Her discharge was taking longer than usual.
So, on the VERY day that I wanted to “celebrate” the memory of Josiah’s birth, I’m in the place that takes me back to the December day of his death?
“What the What???”
I’m just shaking my head on that one. “God, I’m not understanding what just happened so please help me to process this.” I cried.
Since my husband is recovering from knee replacement, our son was over doing some yardwork. I walked by the door to see him outside talking to someone. I instantly recognized who it was. This particular neighbor, along with many other EMS and Firemen, was the same man who was here the day Josiah died. The same man who tried to calm me down on the front porch as they were putting Josiah into the ambulance. “They’re taking him to the local hospital and you and your husband can follow behind.” He was gently trying to give me hope, when I knew, that I knew, that I knew, that Josiah was already with Jesus. Unfortunately we knew when he took his last earthly breath.
That kind and gently man has never been back to my house….until today…Josiah’s birthday.
So if the first experience didn’t have me reeling, this second one, added to the first one, surely did. “God, why am I being so reminded of Josiah’s death on the day that I want to remember his birth?” I cried some more.
“He Did It Again”
Trying to keep my mind occupied, I decided to go to the gym. That would help. In the meantime, my daughter texted, asking if I wanted to go shopping instead. I jumped at the chance to get out and about, all the while still perplexed at what had happened. “God, I trust you today!” was still my declaration, even though I felt as if I’d been punched in the gut.
Our last stop was a local store. Not just ANY store, but one in which Josiah had been a manager at one time. As we were checking out, an announcement came over the loudspeaker,
“Josiah to receiving, Josiah to receiving!”
There it was! My “something” from my PERSONAL God! I just stood there soaking it in, thanking God that His encouragement to this Mama heart had so many meanings. I pictured what my boy was receiving today in Heaven. The celebration taking place. How much he’s already received and how much more to come. Just the fact that it never ends.
And if that wasn’t enough, as I drove home the song, “I Drive Your Truck” came on my Spotify. I had not selected this playlist, but I know Who did. It’s one of mine and Josiah’s songs. Recorded back in 2012 by Lee Brice, the lyrics commemorate a father who was giving a Memorial Day interview in honor of his 30-year-old Son. He lost his life in Afghanistan while trying to save a fellow soldier. They asked the father how he would remember his son on that particular Memorial Day. He said, “I’ll drive his truck. It’s him. It’s got his DNA all over it.” The lyrics always touched Josiah’s heart because his Hero, his brother Jarred, was a United States Marine.
After Josiah’s death, I would go down to my basement alone and sing this song at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face. To this day, I still cry when I hear it.
“I’m STILL Faithful”
I got my “God Kiss”, as many of my friend’s like to refer to these moments. I recently heard another phrase that I also think applies. It’s called a “God Nod!” Either way, it was a PERSONAL touch from my PERSONAL Lord.
But God, what did the other things today mean? As I asked, He answered in my Spirit, “It’s a reminder of My Faithfulness. Look at where you were and where you are now. My Promise to never leave you or forsake you has remained true all of these years since Josiah came to live with Me. There is NEVER a time that I am not with you. I will continue to hold you in My hands.” (Deut.31:8, Matthew 28:20, Isaiah 41:10)
Since my husband is recovering, we didn’t get to go out to a nice dinner in memory of Josiah. As I finally sat down at the end of this emotional day, I shared with him each and every special detail. How this day had come full circle.
We prayed, thanking God for the 23 precious years we had with our adventurous and kind-hearted son.
Then we both cried.
“My Prayer For You”
Thank you God for your Faithfulness of always being near and dear to our broken hearts. For what You’ve brought us through and for what You’re going to give us strength to do. We can count on You. I pray for every Mom that needs a touch from You. May they ask and receive something so PERSONAL that they would have to say, “God, I know that was You!” In Jesus’ Name