BOOM! I bolted up in bed as the piercing sound awakened me from a deep sleep. Was it a dream? I heard my husband busting open the door, quickly finding out what was truly happening when he screamed, “CALL 911!!! JOSIAH, WHAT DID YOU DO???” My daughter, already on the phone by the time I reached the hallway, said, “MY BROTHER JUST SHOT HIMSELF!”
It was the early morning of December 10th, 2015. We could tell that the gunshot was in the right shoulder area and Terry quickly went into action, placing pressure on the wound to reduce the bleeding. The thoughts screaming the loudest in our mind’s were, of course, “WHY???” But deep down we knew the reason. This is why we must go back to December 9th.
Lies….Again!
Josiah had been in a relationship for 3 years, which, at the beginning, made him the happiest he’d ever been. All of his hopes and dreams for a future, that he believed, would lead to marriage and children. He wanted to love and protect her for the rest of his days.
As time went on, not only the ones closest to him, but those who barely even knew them, saw that the dreams were different on each part. He couldn’t see, to use the familiar term, “The elephant in the room.” Actually it wasn’t just ONE Elephant, but a whole herd. I really think that deep down he saw the elephants, but to know Josiah, you would know that he was such an eternal optimist and he was holding out for his “Happily Ever After.”
Without going into details, on December 9th, he found out that he had been lied to…..again. This was, to use another familiar term, “The straw that broke the camel’s back.” On this particular night, his dreams came crashing down, and for the very first time, he knew in his heart that he could NEVER trust her again.
His Despondency
As the medical personnel began to arrive, we were told to go outside. Huddling together, not really noticing the chill in the air, we waited. Josiah had been awake inside, so we hoped to get an update. As they wheeled him past us in the driveway, they said we could follow and meet at the hospital. Since there was a gun involved, my husband had to stay behind and answer questions as best he could.
My daughter and I prayed on the way to the hospital, with her confident assurance that Josiah was going to be OK. We asked God to work in this situation and cover it with Grace. We were scared people trusting in a Powerful God. After what seemed like hours at the hospital, the Doctor came to the door of the room where we were gathered and said, “He wants to see his Mom and Dad.”
Entering the room, I saw my “Baby”, yes, even at 23 years old, lying there. He raised his head and said, “I’m so sorry! Please pray with me.” We did, reminding Josiah, as we had always done up until this very day, that God’s promises and plans for him are the most Amazing kind! Plans for Good! (Jeremiah 29:11)
He called for each brother and sister, one at a time, telling them how sorry he was and that “God has work for me to do!”
Then, of course, knowing that he was out of danger, your parental instincts step in and the next thing out of your mouth is, “WHY??? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??
With a mix of emotions, and now a deep regret to see how upset we were at that moment, Josiah gave us the answer that we all knew ahead of time. He had FINALLY seen the Elephant and it trampled him, crushing his heart and spirit.
To use his words, “Mom, I was just so tired! Tired of being lied to, tired of being hurt, tired of giving everything I had, only to be betrayed over and over again.”
The Vigil
As relieved as we were to find out that Josiah’s injuries weren’t life threatening, the Doctor explained that “The trajectory of the bullet knicked the top of his lung, and just as a precautionary measure, to keep his lung healthy so that it won’t collapse, we’re going to put him on a breathing machine in ICU.”
Well, Ok then. We hunkered down in the waiting room, only one at a time going in to see him. He seemed to want his “Mom” most of all, and I had no problem with that whatsoever. It was a calming effect as long as someone held his hand. Josiah’s biggest fear was that he wouldn’t be able to breathe. The tube down his throat made him feel like he was choking.
His way of communicating was with the notepad on my phone. Those conversations were so special and I would’ve never imagined at the time, that I would be reading over them about once a week, almost 5 years later. They take me back to his bedside, to a time when I could physically touch him and tell him how much I loved him, to be greeted back with a squeeze of his hand. Any Mom who’s lost a child knows what a treasure something tangible, such as this, can be.
One particular night he began to cough and with the tube down his throat, he panicked. He thought that he was going to die because he couldn’t catch his breath. After the nurse and I helped him to calm down, he wanted to type something to me. It was this……
More To Come
I will continue on in the next post about the 12 days that ultimately forced our family’s time frame into 2 distinct parts….Before and After.
My Prayer For You
“Lord, I pray for each Mom that faces this time of year with a sadness, where there was once Joy. In Your own Personal way, please bring a comforting hug to each one. May your Grace cover it all, in Jesus Name”