Why A Blog???

Hello! I’m thankful that you’ve stopped by. You have already been in my prayers. Prayers for your aching Mom hearts to find Encouragement, Strength, Comfort, and Hope along your way. Please believe that you’ve found an understanding friend.

I am a Mom of 8, 4 boys and 4 girls. You won’t find a string of degrees after my name, nor have I had a monetarily lucrative career. I will NEVER put the word “just” in front of Mom, because there’s nothing UNIMPORTANT or ORDINARY about being one. The gift of knowing Jesus as my Savior is greatest thing that ever happened to me, but being a wife and Mom, and now “Nonnie” to our 5 grandchildren, have been my most precious blessings. I’m grounded in Christ. Have been for many, many years. I’m not a counselor, but I have regular appointments with “THE COUNSELOR” Himself. I’m also the member of a club that I wish I didn’t belong to and that I certainly wouldn’t want anyone else to become a member of either. The cost of dues is ENORMOUS!!

The Unthinkable

Four years ago, we had the most violent of storms. On December 22, 2015, our 3rd born son, Josiah, died. He was 23. As described in Matthew 7:25, the rains came and flooded our souls. The winds blew against our damaged shelter with hurricane force. The very foundation that we occupied was attacked in the worst way we’d ever experienced. Had our house been built on sand, instead of The Rock, we wouldn’t have survived. That dark day began the most painful and difficult journey of my life.

Since then, there have been so many times that I didn’t want to get out of bed, because I had awakened to realize that my nightmare, was indeed, my reality. Lots and lots of days were spent sitting on the green couch in the den. Hours and hours in the same spot, just me and “Lila”, our Great Dane. This was where Josiah took his last breath. We were the last ones he saw on earth and we were holding him when his soul met Jesus, face to face, for the very first time. There have also been days, too numerous to count, that I just wished to be with him in Heaven. The pain grips you so badly that you have to ask God to breathe for you, because it’s just too hard to do it yourself.

“God, This Hurts Too Much!”

I’m an introvert. I admit it. To those who know me, they immediately say, “Oh no you’re not!” I have to put forth my best effort to “get out there.” Add to that a traumatic loss and the end result is a desire to hide and never come out. My bucket of cares got knocked over and I didn’t pick it back up. A very dear friend, who had also lost her son just 10 months before Josiah died, lovingly advised me that “I MUST take care of myself!” I agreed and had great intentions, but as I escaped further into my hiding place, I convinced myself that it was a temporary fix.

For the most part, I put my own grieving aside to help my children try to make sense of the “unpredictable everything” in our lives. My oldest daughter basically put her life on hold by not going back to school, just to be here for us. For that, we will forever be eternally grateful. My husband had not even begun to work out his grief yet. That would be a couple years down the road. The predictable thing about grief is just how UNPREDICTABLE it is.

Traveling the road of loss, even though at times, just feeling stuck in the ditch. Learning a whole new way to live life here on earth, while part of my heart is in Heaven. Sometimes it still feels like Josiah died yesterday. Unexpected reminders, like hearing the song, “Shoulders” by “for King & Country”, can leave me feeling like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. Love the song! Had it played at the funeral. I recently found a Birthday card he had given me before he died. To hold it and touch where he had written, “Mom, I Love U Very Much:) Love, Josiah” This makes it seem like he’s been gone forever. Yet, no matter how many times I’m caught by these surprises and tell God how much living without my Son hurts, I experience a reassurance over and over and over that “In MY weakness HE is Strong” 2 Cor. 12:9

“God is a PERSONAL God”

Just a few months after Josiah died, someone asked me, “What’s the main thing you’ve learned from all of this?” Without hesitation, I quickly replied, “God is a PERSONAL God!! Without a doubt He has shown me, in tangible and miraculous ways, that I can depend on Him.”

Sometimes the next question would be, “Well, are you mad at God? Do you feel like you can still trust Him?” Josiah’s death did not go against the Character of God. He is a GOOD and LOVING God!! I trust Him now, more than ever, because He’s helping me to learn, day by day, how to live here with part of my heart in Heaven. In all honesty, I have dealt with my share of anger. Not at God, but others , and will go into further details in future posts. I just have to admit that there are things, this side of Eternity, that I will never understand. Declaring in Faith, not by feelings, that “Even though it’s very dark, the light will come.”

“Lord, I Trust You”

Over the last few months though, I have sensed, within my Spirit, a stirring. An awakening, urging me, gently knocking on the door of my comfort zone, announcing that it’s time to come out of hiding. Reminding me that God hasn’t miraculously gotten me to this point, for me to keep to myself all of the ways He’s carried me through. Having a new desire for God to use my PAIN for His PURPOSES. To jump up and down, waving my arms frantically, saying to other grieving Mom’s, “Hey, I see you! I know how you feel! I know your pain is real! But most importantly, GOD SEES YOU!! He’ll meet you where you are!”

So, there we were, and still are, as a family, just putting our Faith and Trust in God to survive, as the days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and months to years. But, this I know! The one CERTAIN thing among all of these uncertainties in our lives, is that God continues to let me know that He’s where I am. He’s NEVER left me or forgotten me, as He says in Hebrews 13:5.

I know precious Mothers who have been on this road for many years now and others who have just started to live this new reality. While our stories and timelines differ, common similarities abound. And I bet that they can, more than likely, be found within the answer to the question that we’ve ALL asked at one point in the midst of this unchosen journey, “Does anyone else feel this way?”

So, again, Why a Blog???

Because, even though my life was devastated on December 22, 2015, I was not destroyed. His Hope is holding me, even when my feelings tell me it’s too hard and hopeless. Not being able to see through the tears, He takes my hand and leads me. When I can’t seem to make sense of it all, He assures me that He is indeed a PERSONAL God.

I NEED to tell Josiah’s story. The miraculous last 12 days of his life, when his eyes were opened and he began to see. From then, to now, almost 4-1/2 years later, a testimony of God’s never ending presence in our lives. In honor of a son that is LOVED, MISSED, and REMEMBERED every single day!

My Prayer for You

“God, would you please remind each Mom, that has a part of her heart in Heaven, just how personal you are. Thank you for meeting us right where we are. We depend on You to gently care for our broken hearts and to bandage our wounds. (Psalm 147:3) Thank you, In Jesus Name”