“My wife and I had to put our dog down a couple years back and let me tell you, that was like losing a child.”
That was an innocent comment made by a guy that I was talking with recently. The moment I heard those words, something in me began to stir. An automatic reaction where my Mama emotions kick in.
I wanted to yell back as a quick response, “Have you ever lost a CHILD? Apparently not, because if you had, then your previous comment would be null and void!!”
Do I really have to have this conversation AGAIN?? Explain why my son with a soul isn’t the same as a pet without one??
Unfortunately, since we’ve entered this new reality, people make comments that fall a little flat on our broken hearts.
It’s Just What People Do
This guy had no clue of our history in losing Josiah and I know he spoke with the sincerity that he knew.
It just left me with an angry reminder that we’ve been dealt this cruel hand. Like I’m playing a game of 52 pickup. That’s when all the cards are scattered on the floor. About the time you get the last one laid nice and neatly on the stack someone has the audacity to knock them onto the floor again. The whole process starts over again.
There are many scenarios, and I’m so sorry for any hurt you’ve been caused, but it seems that we come across the “pet” one quite a bit.
Every single Mother I know that has lost a child has heard comments such as these:
“God knew you didn’t need any more kids.” (Told to me after a miscarriage)
“You know, God created birth control. Why don’t you use it?” (Also told to me after a miscarriage)
“Just imagine that Josiah is away on vacation.”
“I know how you feel, I lost my cat last week.”
“Well, at least they weren’t married with children.”
“Oh my! She left behind a husband and kids.”
“I’ve never lost a child but I know exactly how you feel.”
“God needed him more than we did.”
“God needed another rose in His garden.”
“I know we’re not supposed to ask God why?”
“Rejoice! You’ll see them again!”
“Just remember that all things work together for good to those that love Him.” (I don’t deny that one but people need to wait a LONG time to quote that one to a grieving Mom.)
I’m sure that there are many more to add.
In all honesty, most of the time I feel a quick anger about flippant remarks, that in my eyes and ears, are callous and irresponsible. Maybe the reasoning for people’s “advice” and “words of comfort” is that they think that they HAVE to say SOMETHING that will relate to our loss. Probably.
I do really believe that most times people are trying to help and there’s a gratefulness in that.
I did have a situation right after Josiah died where there was blatant maliciousness and this person’s intent was to cause me pain, mostly through letters sent in the mail or social media.
But more than the anger, there’s a defensiveness for my son who is no longer here. I’ll never stop being Josiah’s Mama and until the day that I join him in eternity, I….AM…HIS…VOICE.
And I’m not trying to make it seem that we (us Mom’s) are the only one’s that hurt deeply. It’s just a different kind of pain.
New Memories
I’m not saying that there isn’t a grief when you lose your beloved pet. I had an Aunt Elizabeth who had a Chihuahua named “Toy.” As a teenager, I remember her calling my mother to share the news that her beloved “Toy” was no longer with her. Seeing as my aunt never had any children of her own, her doggie was the closest love that she had to a child.
We were so sorry that her heart was broken and didn’t deny her grief. But guess what? After a little time, she got a new dog.
She got to start over, if you will, by creating new memories with a brand new puppy.
No one could take away her memories of her beloved dog, but she got to continue the joy of getting something new.
“I LOVE MY DOG!!”
I’ll be the first to tell you how much I love my Great Dane named “Lila” who we lovingly refer to as “The Queen.”
Our previous Great Dane, “Samantha” had died, so we wanted to continue the JOY of dog ownership.
We picked up our little “Lila” on 11/22/2015, exactly one month to the day that Josiah met Jesus. That little harlequin ball of fur was such a sweet addition to our household.
Josiah was cuddling with her the night before he went to be with Jesus and said, “I’m SO GLAD we got her!”
In the weeks following Josiah’s death, I would sit on the couch, in the very same spot where he took his last earthly breath. I just felt closer to him there. Hours upon hours I would sit with Lila in my lap. No matter how wet she became from my falling tears, she would snuggle in closer. What a comfort for my shattered heart.
I pray that we get to enjoy “Lila” for many years to come.
So, all of that to say this, “We LOVE our pets!” I want everyone to have tremendous joy with theirs. (Well, I can’t say that too much for the hedgehog the girl’s got. His name was “Finn” and he was NOT a bundle of joy! Cute…but mean! Not to mention that he kept them awake at night crunching on his mealworms and running in his wheel.)
Lean In
Usually my blog posts are about trying to encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other and this one is from a situation that we have ALL been through. I KNOW my Mom’s out there will relate.
I have the same emotions and feelings as yourself. I got really angry one day and as I was pulling out my soapbox, my husband said the most healing thing. He said, “Honey, people only speak from the experiences they’ve had.”
Of course if you haven’t lost a child you won’t understand that depth of loss. I wish no mother had to go through this valley.
I’m not trying to come across as this angry woman who’s ready to fist fight anyone that says something I don’t agree with. I’d be black and blue the rest of my life. All I’m saying is that I have to give a ton of stuff to Jesus and ask Him to help me think the best about someone….a lot.
So, love your pets and thank God that you have them. And the next time someone makes a comment that doesn’t sit well OR sound well, try to remember:
-People can only speak from the depth of the well of their own experiences.
-We live our lives now from the level of our own deep loss.
My Prayer for You
“Lord, help us to continue our journey. It’s a hard one but you promise to never leave us. Whenever we hear insensitive things may we just leave it in your hands for You to handle. Please uplift my friends that have these very deep levels of loss. And we do thank you for our pets. In Jesus name”