“My Last Earthly Good-bye”

12/24/15-There were no laughs and jokes around the table on this Christmas Eve morning. Our usual fun-filled tradition had been replaced this year with stopping for fast food just to give us enough strength to keep going.

The Mortuary had called the night before to let us know they could work out a small window of time for us to come and see Josiah one more time. Our Marine Son hadn’t been here two days before to say his last words.

It’s such a conflicting feeling. Part of me couldn’t wait to get there fast enough to lay eyes upon my son, whose physical body was still here, but another part didn’t want to take the slightest step in that direction, thinking maybe if we didn’t go, then it wasn’t real.

Reality had a way of “jarring” me back to the here and now, whether I liked it or not. I liken it to buying paint at the Hardware Store. After you make your selection of colors, they hook the can into a device that shakes the paint at high speed to incorporate the colors. I’m sure if the paint could talk it would say, “HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON? STOP, THIS IS MAKING ME DIZZY! I’M GOING TO BE SICK!”

“You Have 10 Minutes”

Being led into a small dimly lit room, the director tried to prepare us for what was around the corner. “Since Josiah’s being cremated, his body hasn’t been prepared for viewing. All that’s visible is his face. Don’t be frightened if you see a little blood, because that’s from the donation of his eyes. We can give you 10 minutes. It’s a holiday and the staff has stayed over for you to come today.” We gave him our thanks as he exited the room.

Crowding around the makeshift casket, it was hard not to notice the radiant glow on his face. Maybe a reflection of the Jesus he saw? My head KNEW he was in his forever home with Christ, but my heart hadn’t accepted that fact yet.

One by one, each brother and sister, took a private moment to condense a lifetime of conversations into a few brief sentences.

After my husband told Josiah the things that only a Father would and could say, it was my turn.

“This Isn’t Good-bye, Just See You Later”

“Josiah, it’s Christmas Eve and we’re all here. I love you and miss you so much. I know you’re having the time of your life and while this will be the worst Christmas we could ever imagine, it will be the best you’ve ever had. Tell my Mom and Dad I said Hi and that I love them. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’ll see you again, so This Isn’t Good-bye, Just See You Later.”

I leaned down and kissed my sweet boy one last time, knowing that the next time that happened would be in Heaven.

And just like that, we all walked out, no one saying a word. Just the soft sobs from a now incomplete family. Each one leaving with a Josiah sized hole in our heart that would never be filled again in our time on earth.

“Lord, Get Me Through Hobby Lobby”

We made our way to Hobby Lobby to pick up some things that we wanted to use for the funeral. Did we feel like going? Absolutely NOT, but we knew personally what Josiah would like. I purchased my first “Angel Wing” ornament that day. All the while, constantly calling on the Lord to be our Strength.

It’s only been recently that I’m able to go into “Hobby Lobby”, especially at Christmas time, without falling apart. The Lord has put a New Purpose in my life and I’ll share more about that soon.

Each year, I’ve always bought my children, and now, their children, special ornaments to place on the tree. Ornaments that bring a smile about that person. Taco, Flamingo, Cowgirl Boots, Marines, Baby’s First Christmas(I have A LOT of those:) The list goes on.

Angel Wings, among others with special meaning, fill my “Josiah” Tree, which is a permanent fixture year round in our home. To honor a Son, who’s Christmas’s will always outshine ours.

“There Goes God Being All Personal Again”

We were coming up on the first Christmas without Josiah, surviving by the Grace of God. My head and heart were still in 2 different places. My heart wanted Josiah here in MY presence, but my head knew that in GOD’S presence, he had amazing perfection.

Life still consisted of doing only what was necessary, so it took such effort to veer outside of our new normal. But there we were one day, stopping at a “Thrift Store” just to browse. Immediately eyeing a section of ornaments, I rummaged through them for a special treasure.

Before long, God showed me why we had randomly stopped. He had something just for me! In His usual Comforting way, a Heavenly Hug of sorts, I read the Words on the ornament. God saying, “I’ve got you and I’m taking good care of your boy!” This is what I needed for this particular moment on this particular day for this particular hurting heart moment. He did it again! Thank you Jesus!

We’re all at different locations in this hole in our heart journey. Some of you are still numb at the thought of taking just one step, while others may be standing but the steps are very small. I understand each place.

No matter the location, you still have Someone holding you! He longs to show you how Personal He is!

“My Prayer For You Today Is From Isaiah 41”

“God, thank you for being with me in this journey, as you strengthen and help me to rise above fear and discouragement. You are my God. When life feels so empty, help me to remember that You are holding me in the palm of Your righteous hand, and that you never let go. In Jesus’ Mighty Name”