Happy Birthday In Heaven Son

Wish You Were Here

It’s that time of year again. I’d ask you what you wanted to eat for your Birthday, knowing all along you were going to say, “Rare steak with Blue Cheese crumbles.” And you’d always have to add Jalapeno pepper’s to something. We all know that one your favorite things, beyond a doubt, was to have the whole family here for meals. We will be together, but our tears will freely fall because we wish that our celebration wasn’t in your memory.

I’ve made the statement many times in this journey, “It’s not IF I cry everyday, but how much!” I know precious Mom’s that share this sentiment, and we give each other extra encouragement when we know a “day” is approaching. We KNOW they’re never coming back, but certain days scream that fact aggressively and loudly in your face. Especially that one particular day where you replay in your mind, detail by sweet detail, of when your son or daughter came into the world.

Quick Changes Ahead

Josiah wasn’t due for another 2 weeks and I was willing to wait. In just a few short months, we had packed up in another state and moved to South Carolina. Storing most of our things, we rented an apartment and the house hunt began. I had nesting to do and I needed a nursery! Blame it on the hormones. That was my excuse and I stuck to it. We found said house and the updating began. My theory was, “This is best time to paint, replace carpet, and so on because our furniture isn’t here.” In one of those looking back moments, I just shake my head and say, “WHAT WAS I THINKING???'” Only by the Grace of God……

Move-in day was July 11, 1992. We carved out a path between the boxes and our little family of four plopped down, exhausted, onto the only mattress available. I got up during the night to make my first, of many, bathroom visits. Not remembering our box trail, about 4 steps in I turned right when I should’ve stayed straight. The hardest part was getting my big body up off the floor after a face plant. Finishing the task at hand, I stumbled back to bed, awakened a little later, by giggles from our 2 and 3 year old boys, who were thrilled with our “camping” adventure.

I quickly found out that giggles weren’t the only thing I woke up to, but also to those oh so familiar pains that mean ONE thing! As I showered and Terry called family, all I could think of was how exhausted I was and it was just the start of several long hours ahead.

Name Him WHAT??

Terry and I named our first son together, after hours upon hours of scrolling through the Baby Name books. When our second little one came along, my name won out. To be honest, this go round, in all of our craziness, we hadn’t really discussed names for this precious addition, except to throw a name out here and there with, “Do you like this one? Yes? No? Maybe?” Besides, the Baby Name book was buried in a box somewhere.

Driving to the hospital, my husband made the announcement that he had the perfect name! Drum Roll….. Josiah!! I quickly said, “Absolutely Not!!” I had no real dislike of the name, but I just felt as if it would be the kind of name that people would have a hard time pronouncing. Why can’t we revisit some of the leftover names from the first two boys?? Back and forth we “discussed” the pro’s and cons of what our third born would be called. Seeing that he was so passionate about this particular name, I said alright, as he told me about an 8 year old King in the Bible, named Josiah, who turned the people back to God. (2 Kings 22)

In his younger years, Josiah would get frustrated that people mispronounced his name so often, but I would grab his shoulders, look him in the eyes and say, “You were named after Good King Josiah, who did what was right in the eyes of the Lord! It’s a strong name and one to be proud of.”

I would later share at his funeral, a couple years before his death, Josiah told me, in one our regular front porch chats, “Mom, I’m so glad you named me Josiah. I love my name.” That prompted me, once again, as we had throughout his whole life, to remind him of the reason for his name, which was to draw people to God. We know he was smiling down on us as several salvation’s took place at his funeral. People were being drawn to God.

Forms, Forms, Forms

It’s inevitable that a parent fills out, what seems like a gazillion, forms in a child’s early years. Doctor’s offices, Dentist’s, Mother’s Morning Out, Insurance, Camp, Church….the list goes on. One blank is the same on each one, “Date of Birth” We happily jot it down and proceed to the next line.

But there’s one blank that we NEVER thought we would have to fill in during our lifetime-“Date of Death.” The first time I was asked to write this, I physically couldn’t bring myself to do it. I crumpled into a heap of tears and pushed the paper back across the desk, explaining that I just couldn’t bring myself to write that down. Saying it out loud was bad enough but actually writing it was so, well, permanent. We’ve had to fill in this blank too many times and it still takes my breath away whenever I’m asked to write the date of when my child left this earth.

I remember a particular day when we had to call the insurance company that handled my husband’s workplace. The cheerful automated voice on the other end asked, “Are you calling about an address change? Are you calling to add a person to your policy? Are you calling to report a death?” Terry barely got out, “To report a death” before we began to sob and I had to get up and leave the room.

Lord, We’re Grateful

We saw the Kendrick Brother’s movie, “Courageous” when it came out in theater’s several years back. It’s a film about loss and learning to live beyond that experience. I tried to watch it a few times after Josiah died, but never got very far before I switched it off. The reminders were too painful.

But recently, I made it through the whole movie and saw new things with fresh eyes. There’s a scene in which the father, who lost his daughter, is verbalizing all of the things that he WON’T get to do with his little girl. Things he DIDN’T do with her. Things she’ll NEVER experience. How do we get beyond this?

While meeting with his pastor, the heartbroken father is presented with a life changing question. “Are you going to be angry for the time that you DIDN’T have with her or are you going to be GRATEFUL for the time that you DID have with her?”

It’s so easy to fall into the Should’ve, Would’ve, Can’t, Why Didn’t I, and If Only traps. The enemy would like nothing better than to keep our focus on what we don’t have, aren’t going to have, and what will never be. In these emotions, he knows that we’re less likely to cry out to the Lord to soothe these wounds in our heart. The devil leads us to the edge of that slippery slope and forcefully gives us a push.

We must cling to the truth of God’s Word that says, “One day He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sorrow, pain or death. He will make all things new again” (Revelation 21:4-5)

Especially when we are dealing with the death of a little life that we never got to meet. I talk with precious Mom’s just about every week that have said good-bye to their tiny loves before they even entered the world. I, too have had these experiences multiple times. In my case, the misconception and judgement of seeing a large family is to think that, “They can have children anytime they want!!” Then a joke that is NEVER funny usually follows their comments. Please be careful and sensitive with your words. Sometimes broken hearts can be covered up with a forced smile.

Always A Chair At The Table

I began to pray for strength the moment I got up on Sunday morning. He would be 28 today. Trusting God to help make this day a celebration of Josiah! His life that we loved and enjoyed. “God, please show us what a personal God you are today.”

We sang a song at church, one I listen to frequently, called “The Blessing.” A part jumped out at me like never before, as if it was written in Holy Highlighter. “In MY WEEPING and rejoicing, He is for me!” HE IS FOR ME! It’s not that I’ve ever thought that He wasn’t for me, but I received His reminder as a favor today. On this day, when we celebrate, the best way we are able, the birthday of a child that’s not with us, but with Him. With tears streaming down my face, I sang out of thankfulness, “He is for me! He is for me! He is for me!”

Back in the day, I threw some very creative “themed” Birthday parties for the kid’s. The Indian party where the campfire got a little out of control and the fire department showed up comes to mind. What a thrill for the kids! But even with my best ideas, I know that Jesus can throw a better bash that I can. Imagine the celebration taking place, the Angels singing “Happy Birthday” as Josiah is honored by Jesus!!!

So, On July 12th, we grilled out, got cakes, wrote “I Love You’s” on balloons to release to you, sat your picture at the empty chair, and cried. Like we’ve done since you went to Heaven, you will always have a chair at our table. There is never a time that you are not missed! Sitting down to eat, we knew that a tear could come at any minute, and that’s OK. We do that with each other anytime we feel the need. During the course of the conversation, a funny incident from a few years back was brought up, and the floodgates of laughter were released. We laughed until we cried. At that moment, I thanked God for His PERSONAL touch. We needed that. I needed that.

My Prayer For You

“Lord, would you please let each Mom know that even in their weeping and desperation, You are FOR them. Show them in personal ways they’ve never experienced before. We count on your Strength to get us through each day, because there’s never a day that we don’t miss their presence. We need extra Grace for the Birthdays, the Going Home days, the Holiday’s, and the Special Days when the chair seems more empty. As we honor our son’s and daughter’s, we thank you that you throw better parties than we could think or imagine. In Jesus name”

If I can pray for you or with you please let me know! God Bless🙏❤️