Grief-Not The Charlie Brown Kind

Who in this world doesn’t love Charlie Brown? That lovable little round headed guy with the keep trying attitude. And I also might add that he’s a very sharp dresser, in his argyle sweater and black shorts. Hey, not everyone can pull off that shade of yellow day in and day out, but Charlie Brown does it with flair.

I grew up watching the anticipated “Charlie Brown Specials” on TV. There was an air of excitement when Fall started to roll around because It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown would soon be on, followed by A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving in November, then finally, to usher in the holidays, A Charlie Brown Christmas. Back in MY day we actually sat through the commercials, and we didn’t complain! It was tradition to watch these lighthearted and meaningful stories year after year. One that I eagerly passed down to my children.

Poor Charlie Brown was always being outsmarted. Either by his cute canine, Snoopy, or realizing that Lucy, “The 5-cent Psychiatrist”, would ALWAYS move the football, causing him to somersault into the air and land on the ground with a “KERTHUMP!” Whatever mishap came his way, he would utter his familiar catchphrase, “GOOD GRIEF!!!”

Grief On Paper

One of the ways Merriam-Webster defines Grief is a Trouble or an Annoyance, as in annoying or playful criticism. Also a Mishap or Misadventure. This is the “Charlie Brown” kind of grief. Usually lighthearted and somewhat irritating. Maybe not the thought in the moment, but as people say, “We’ll laugh about this someday!” No devastating or life altering consequences. We all experience this type of grief at one time or another.

There’s a much deeper grief that some of us have had to face. The grief that’s associated with the loss of someone we love. Webster’s defines this type as a Deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement and a Cause of such suffering. This is OUR kind, not Charlie Brown’s. We are distressed. We suffer much. This is the kind that they say, “Comes in Waves.” I really don’t know who THEY are, but it’s related to the ocean, I suppose, because waves are unpredictable. Some can knock you flat on your face, when least expected. Just when you regain your balance, you get hit with another that takes you under, while other, more manageable ones, just hit your shins. Or perhaps, because our emotions are tossed about with the highs and lows of emotional tides.

More relatable and interchangeable words are Affliction, Anguish, Heartache, Heartbreak, Sorrow, and Woe. These words run together, making it hard to determine where one leaves off and another begins. Raise your hand if you’ve felt these, all at the same time, all on the same day! I visualize the hands going up. I know. Me too.

Setting aside the obvious definition, another description that accompanies grief is Disaster-an unfortunate outcome. The meaning of disaster refers to A sudden event bringing loss. Josiah’s death was certainly a disaster to me and along with every Mother I know who’s faced this outcome, it’s definitely been unfortunate.

Familiar With Loss

Before Josiah died, I had faced loss many times in my life. My Grandparents died when I was younger. My Mom went to Heaven when she was only 60 years old, with my Dad joining her just a few years later at age 68. As painful as these losses were, they seemed to follow the “normal” progression of things. You know, older passing first. I’ll share more at a later time how God, being a Personal God, helped me through those particular sufferings.

But, there’s something that most people don’t know about us. According to the “Doctor’s” I was never supposed to have children. I had some surgeries in my teenage years that left me with severe scar tissue, then was later diagnosed with endometriosis. At the time of our marriage, the Doctor suggested we start adoption proceedings if we ever wanted little ones. BUT GOD!! He still does miracles!

That didn’t mean that there weren’t tough and heartbreaking challenges along the way, resulting in 6 miscarriages. I lost a baby at 5 months along and during that grief, fell into a deep depression. It was during that time in my life that I discovered a Godly woman named Joyce Meyer. Up early one morning, I was asking God to rescue me from this pit. Flipping through channels, I found her discussing her newest book, Battlefield of the Mind. God, and His use of that book, rescued me from that pit. To this day, I Praise Him and Thank Him for deliverance and for Joyce Meyer!

Are All Of These Yours?

Anywhere our family went, we were always asked the familiar question, “Are all of these yours??” The comments that people made still astound me to this day. It was under the general assumption that I could just have a child anytime I wanted. Nothing could have been further from the truth, because I never knew if I would be able to carry the baby to full term. Insert soapbox-“Please do not make quick judgements on what you see on the outside. You have no idea of the journey someone is on.”-Step down. So many remarks that were made, thinking that we would find them humorous. We didn’t. They had no clue.

We just told God that our lives were His and counted each new little one a Blessing from Him. A dear friend gave me a t-shirt after our 4th was born. It answered the questions that we got asked the most. I still keep it folded and tucked in my drawer to remind me of God’s Faithfulness.

If anything made us laugh over the years it had to be the words that came back to bite me. I had a new 2-seater sports car when we got married. I LOVED that car!! When we found out we were expecting Baby #1, 32 years ago, we sold it to get a “Family” vehicle. My husband made the comment, “Hey, I’ve been seeing those new Mini-Vans they’re coming out with. How about one of those?” I replied, “Read my lips! I will NEVER drive a Van!!” Well, God had other plans, and the last laugh. I proudly drove my 15-passenger van, “Big Red”, thanking God for every mile and the reason we needed it.

When I hear about precious Mothers who never really got to know their little ones, my heart is broken for them. The loss and the grief of what could’ve been. I pray for God to hold them tight, to believe in miracles, and to give them the desires of their heart.

Grief In Everyday Life

I would say that I’m a schedule driven person. A list maker. I’m sure it comes from the organization of being a homeschool mom, but I like the accomplishment of checking off boxes. Although as organized and determined as I may have been, the flip side is years of experience in looking at what I’d written on paper, then realizing that the end result was nothing at all like I’d expected or desired. It usually took twice as long and exceeded the difficulty level I was hoping for.

Shortly after Josiah died, I heard about the “5 Stages of Grief.” They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These are emotions that go along with learning how to live without your loved one. I read recently that 2 more stages, Shock and Guilt, have been added, so now it’s up to “7 Stages.” Ask me on any given day and I’d tell you that I think they’ve left about 93+ stages off the list. It’s a broad spectrum of emotions that tangle our thoughts and sit heavily on our heart.

These “Stages” are just guidelines to maybe help you understand a little better on how to deal with the gut wrenching emotions of this magnitude. By no means is this something that you must work your way through in a certain amount of time. Sometimes they can lead you to an answer to some of the unfamiliar why’s we’ve never faced before. Please give yourself Mercy and Patience in the midst of this deep distress, and rest assured that God does too.

This is just another time in my own life that I had to crumple up the checklist and throw it into the trash. There was no way that I could make this deep hurt fit my results-driven personality. Grief doesn’t come with a list of check off boxes and an ending date.

“I Just Want My Boy”

We arrived a few minutes before our appointment. It had been 3 weeks since the funeral and there was an urgency in my heart to get this over with. The mortuary had called the day before informing us that Josiah’s ashes were ready to be picked up. I can’t explain the unrest I felt before that phone call. I knew he would never be here in person again, but if I could just have what was left of him, somehow that gave me some peace.

We were waiting on the counselor to come in to talk with us about our emotional processing over the last 3 weeks. I paced about the room, stopping to browse the bookshelf, filled with numerous selections of books on Grief. Books on losing your spouse. Books on losing your parents. And finally those for when you lose a child. I quickly took pictures of every book on the shelf pertaining to the last subject.

The kind and gracious man asked how we were doing these days and suggested several things that we could do to help us along at this stage of emotions. I can’t really remember what else he said other than, “You look like you need a hug!” I thought, “Oh Really? YA THINK?” My next thought was, “Please hurry up and give him to me. I want my boy!”

He produced a big brown bag with rope handles. I reached inside and pulled out the black box. On the outside was a sticker with his name and date of death typed perfectly in the blanks. I picked it up and hugged it tightly, not really caring if my sobs were being heard out in the hallway. Something else was in the bag that I had requested. Gently taking the locks of his blonde hair out of the zip-lock bag, it quickly became wet from my tears. Thinking back on those moments, just like it was yesterday, I’m crying now as I type this..

A Proactive Approach

Over the next few days I ordered each of the books on the list. I wanted to glean wisdom from parents who had faced this heartache before me. Like I mentioned earlier, I knew that this particular hurt couldn’t be condensed into a simple fix, but I needed to do what I could. I was trusting God to lead and guide me in finding some comfort for all of the hurting hearts within my care.

One by one, as the books began to arrive, I would read through them with a sense of hope, only to finish with a heavier heart than when I started. “That’s it??”, I would think to myself. There was an intertwining theme. If God was mentioned at all, it was in the most derogatory way. In my haste, I didn’t research to see who wrote the books or from what perspective. My heart hurt for the many Mom’s within the stories who didn’t know Jesus.

Even here on paper, so to speak, it, I never want anyone to get the impression that I’m trying to make any of this a simple and easy to understand process. Nothing could be further from the truth. I know that “Apart from Him I can do nothing”(John 15:5) I cling to Him like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean.

My granddaughter and I were floating on rafts in the pool this week and I proposed the question, “What if this were the middle of the ocean? What would you do?” She pondered for a moment and replied, “First, I’d yell for help, then I’d try to find an island.” We both agreed that we’d be glad that we could count on Jesus to be there with us. Please don’t forget that He is with you when you feel like you’re all alone, just drifting.

Search His Word to find Light in the Darkness, choosing to believe His promises. Let God show you how Personal he can be. Just knowing that He’s never ever failed me before gives me hope in the midst of this grief, even though it isn’t the Charlie Brown kind.

Verses That Helped My Heart

In one my daily conversations with God, I told Him that I felt like I was in a dark room flailing my arms to find the light switch. A little later while the girl’s were doing school, they asked for help with a Bible question. I picked up my Bible, turning to the passage they needed. It was Isaiah 42:1-I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will not forsake them. I will turn DARKNESS INTO LIGHT before them and make the rough places smooth. Theses are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. NIV(emphasis mine) This was my PERSONAL God giving me enough light for the day.

Isaiah 51:12a I, yes, I am the one who comforts you (NLT)

Micah 7:8 Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; When I fall, I will arise; When I sit in darkness, The LORD will be a light to me.(NKJV)

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues us whose spirits are crushed.(NLT)

Hopefully these will comfort you in a personal way.

My Prayer For You

Lord, I pray for each grief stricken Mom, that You would be their Light in the darkness. Rescue their crushed spirits. Lead them and guide them in Your Way, assuring them of Your understanding heart. Surround them so much with your comfort, that they feel your Holy Hugs. We are so thankful that we don’t have to suffer alone, knowing and believing that You are so very close in our brokenness. In Jesus Name, Amen

God Bless You! If I can be of any help, please let me know.