An Exciting New Life

“Mom, I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. I’m so excited about my life and I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do!”

It was December 21st, 2015. Sitting in the recliner beside Josiah’s bed, we were discussing life and the amazing possibilities of the bright future ahead. Josiah had always been a “go-getter” and his new attitude filled us with joy. I had our new Great Dane puppy, Lila, in my lap and he said, “I’m so glad we got her!” Who doesn’t love a new puppy, especially when they’re all ears and big feet?

Knowing that we had a few errands to run the next morning, I said “Goodnight and I Love You.” Then, for the very last time on earth, I hugged my sweet boy and……received one back. Sometimes the most simple things will be the one’s that we’ll never forget.

The Worst Day Of Our Lives

It was December 22nd, 2015. Only 3 days until Christmas. I stuck my head in the room to find Josiah awake. I assured him that we would be home as soon as possible and asked if he wanted me to get him anything while I was out. “I’d really like a couple pair of those soft pajama pants.” More than happy to get them for him, I promised that he’d have them by lunchtime. After traded “I Love You’s”, I shut the door to his room, leaving him in the company of 3 siblings, who would check on him frequently.

The list was short and to the point, #1-Take Lila by the Vet to get her bandages removed from an ear surgery. #2-Pick up a gift for one of our son’s. And #3-Go to WalMart to get Pajama Pants. We even made a surprise visit to Krispy Kreme. What a treat for the family on this beautiful and unseasonably warm Tuesday afternoon!

While out, my husband remembered that he needed to stop by Lowe’s, so I just told him that I’d sit in the truck and wait for him. It would give me a chance to call and check on Josiah again. As I sat alone, I began to ask God to show me how I could let Josiah know how important his life is and that God’s plan is the BEST plan.

This was probably one of the fastest prayer requests ever answered because almost as quickly as I had spoken it, the Lord brought to my mind, “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I had read it years ago and still had it on my bookshelf. YES! That’s it! A perfect way to help Josiah once again find his purpose in life after his detour.

This was going to make Christmas morning even more special, if that was possible.

“Help Me Mom!”

About 5 minutes before arriving home, we got a phone call that an ambulance had been called for Josiah. He had gone into the den and his sister noticed that he had a hard time catching his breath. Alarmed, she asked, “WHAT’S WRONG?” He answered with an, “Oh nothing! I just had a hard time catching my breath for a second. I’m fine.” It immediately happened again, and she exclaimed, “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, I’M CALLING 911!”

That’s all we knew as we walked in to see Josiah struggling to breathe. “HANG ON BABY!! HELP IS COMING!!!” With each promise to him, I would have to step outside and call 911 again to find out where they were.

To this day, in my mind, I see my son pleading with his eyes, “MOM, HELP ME! PLEASE DO SOMETHING!” Mom’s are fixers. We make things better. I’d kissed his boo-boo’s and bandaged his scrapes since he was born but now, with each look, he was begging for help in a way that I physically could not offer.

His breaths became more labored and longer in between, all while my husband was trying to do anything and everything possible to keep Josiah alive. Finally, there was nothing more we could do. Our 3rd born Son had stopped breathing. I have memorized the look that was on his face as he was seeing Jesus for the very first time.

People have asked if I’ve struggled with Anger and I will be the first to say, “Yes!” Anger because it seemed that that my son wasn’t important enough to have an ambulance get to him quickly enough to administer the aid that could have saved his life. Anger because he never should’ve been sent home from the hospital at all, especially without blood thinners.

When help finally arrived, Josiah had already been with Jesus for SEVERAL minutes and once inside they realized that I wasn’t just an “emotional” Mom, but that I was right when I said that he wasn’t breathing. They quickly jumped into action, but to no avail, it was useless. Too much time had passed.

Lord, This Can’t Be Happening!

Relegated to the bench on the front porch, I waited to hear some news….any news. My husband came out and sat beside me as I asked what was going on. All he could mutter was, “I don’t know.” Finally, we were told that he had a pulse and they were taking him to our local hospital with instructions that Life Flight, if needed, would take him to a larger facility.

A Mom knows!! As we followed the ambulance, I made the comment, “IF HE’S BREATHING WHY ARE THEY ONLY GOING 35 MPH??? WHY AREN’T THEY IN A HURRY???”

We were escorted into a makeshift private room, which was actually someone’s office that they gladly forfeited for the solemn occasion. The Dr. came in before each new procedure that they were trying, to see if it would make a difference. His speculation was that Josiah had a blood clot that had travelled to his lung. Finally, after his efforts, he announced that he was going to try “one more thing.” He returned a short while later, stating what every parent on the face of the planet never wants to hear, “He’s Gone!”

“You have to understand that his heart hasn’t beaten in over an hour.” which was consistent with the time that we KNEW he had died. He told us that they were preparing his body for us to come in and spend some time with him. How do you process a statement like that? To know that no matter how long we’re allowed to be with Josiah, within the confines of the pulled around curtains, it will never be enough.

At first, all I could remember as I walked in and saw my baby, is the most high pitched scream I’ve ever let out in my life. I don’t WANT to just spend some time with him, I WANT to wake him up and bring him home!! Now I remember each detail of our “lasts” on that day. There were hugs and kisses on our part, only this time, he couldn’t reciprocate.

Holding his hand to let him know that he was surrounded by the ones that loved him so much, and how we couldn’t fathom the thought of living without him. I remember the agony in our cries. Cries that came from a place that we never knew existed. My husband calling his sister to tell her that “Josiah didn’t make it.” Trying to explain what could have gone so horribly wrong when we couldn’t believe it ourselves.

How Do We Do This God?

A bombardment of questions began. We were informed that they had taken Josiah’s body to the morgue and that they wanted to know if he was an organ donor, to which we replied “Yes!” We wholeheartedly agreed that he would want to help others, so that was an easy yes among the hard things to come. Where would we like his body sent? When do we want to plan his funeral? Would we like a burial or cremation? How can this be??

I was shopping for Stocking Stuffers and soft PJ’s just a few hours earlier. We were supposed to be hearing the giggles of excited Grandchildren soon. I wouldn’t get to follow through with the special gift that God wanted me to give him for Christmas.

The time finally came for us to leave. How do you walk out of a room when your baby is lying there? Just when you think you’re at the lowest of your despair, you fall to a deeper level. Walking out to the parking lot that day was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

All I wanted to do was run back in there and hold him just one more time.

My Prayer For You

“Oh God, the details may be different in how we lost our children, but the result is the same. At the end of the day, they’re still not with us. Without You, we can’t move forward from the pain. Just like you told Moses in Exodus 33:14, I pray for each Mom to feel and trust Your presence so that she can have rest. Thank You in Jesus Name.”