A Simple Yes

“My friend just lost her 19 yr. old son. Do you think you could reach out to her? I’ll certainly understand if it’s too painful for you, but I thought you would understand her pain.”

It was December 21, 2019, one day before THE date, the 22nd. The date that, 4 years ago, Josiah met Jesus face to face. Finishing up my journal entry, I had to get busy with the packing for our trip. We all try our very hardest to be together on “THAT” day and we were headed to the mountains of North Carolina. Since Josiah died at home, we manage better in a different setting.

My phone dinged, alerting me of a new message. A sweet friend of mine was seeking comfort for a friend. As I read of another Mother that had just begun a new journey of unexplainable loss, my heart was moved with compassion and sorrow for a family I’d never met.

This particular December had been especially difficult. I missed Josiah in a way I couldn’t describe, feeling such a sadness that normal tasks required such exhausting effort. I told God to forget about Collecting my tears in a bottle, as He says in Psalm 56:8, but that He may need some of those industrial size 55-gallon drums. Well, that’s how it felt anyway………..

Now What??

Last November, my husband and I had the opportunity to spend a month at the beach. We had reached, what we described, “The End of an Era.” After 26 years of homeschooling our 8 children, WE….WERE…DONE!!! Our youngest had graduated, so, for the first time since I could remember, I didn’t have a new school year to arrange. We had every reason to celebrate.

This was going to be a time to seek God for what was next in this new season. With a brand new journal, I was ready! Ready to write down what God would personally tell me to do.

Being the “List Maker” that I am, I prayerfully and eagerly awaited His instructions to fill in Blank #1. Nearing the end of the first week, my prayer went something like, “Lord, haven’t heard anything yet. Am I missing something?” In my Spirit the Lord said, “My sheep hear My Voice. I know them and they follow Me” (John 10:27)

For 2 more weeks, He kept reminding me to listen and follow. “Follow you where God? What do you want me to do? My blanks aren’t filled in yet!!”

Nearing the last couple days of vacation, a sense of disappointment began to settle within my Spirit. Not with God, but at myself. Had I missed it? In my mind, I thought this had been the perfect time to lay the ground work for a “New” thing. After all, I wasn’t at home, in the busyness of regular life.

Packing to go home, I confessed to God that I was sorry for putting Him on a schedule to get things done in MY timing instead of His. After promising to listen patiently, I heard something different this time, which was, “You’re still a wife, Mom, and Nonnie. Keep at it!” Alrighty then…

The Ride Home

During the drive home, I couldn’t seem to get my emotions under control. Just when I thought the tears had dried, more were right behind. A mix of things really…..so grateful for time away, but still wondering if I had missed something God was trying to say.

Maybe the sadness went extra deep because I was able to do something in those days that hadn’t been done since Josiah died. Sitting for hours, alone, grieving my Son. Praying. Processing. Praising.

“Back to Reality!!” That’s the phrase people tend to use upon returning from a nice vacation. The daily in’s and out’s of life’s demands, for a short while, have had a reprieve. Not that I minded getting back into a routine, but my reality was December.

Whenever Andy Williams belts out, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” instead of cranking up the volume like in previous years before, I turn it off as quickly as possible. My once favorite Christmas tune makes me feel as if salt is being poured into an open gaping wound.

But…I did the things. Decorations, Tree, Baking….all while saying, “In my weakness, He is strong!” Of course, as hard as it was, I knew that we would, once again, survive the memories of these difficult days.
I continued to hold in my heart what God had spoken to me a few weeks before, seeking to hear more from Him about the New Year ahead.

I Will

As soon as I read my friend’s message and the favor that was asked of me, I responded with a “Yes, I’ll help in any way that I can!” What happened next is truly miraculous!

When I gave a simple “Yes” answer, I felt the dark cloud of heaviness and uncertainty, that had been weighing me down, lift off of me. In that moment, God’s answers to my earlier prayers became so clear. I had been frustrated in MY waiting, but He was waiting on ME! HE WAS WAITING ON MY YES!!!

He couldn’t show me His plan until I opened my heart completely. It’s not that I haven’t had a compassionate heart in the past, but God showed me that I was holding on to the pain of Josiah’s loss so tightly, that my heart was closed off to the idea of using that pain for His purposes. Honestly it just hurt too much to go beyond a certain point, but I promised God in that moment that I would unclench my hands and allow His purposes to flow freely through me. To speak of what a Personal God He is.

Like I shared before, we had been in “Survival” mode up to this point, and that was what each of us needed. Even though, I didn’t have specifics yet on exactly what those new things would be, I did know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wanted to fill me with a new Peace and a Brand NEW Word for 2020. A definite shift had taken place. A desire for my pain to be used to help others. Would this new thing be painful? Mostly, because I would have to revisit the details of the worst time in my life. Would it require me to leave my Comfort Zone? Absolutely!

Was I “WILLING”?? That became MY Word for the New Year!! I’ve been slow in some things and I still face times where the comfort zone calls my name. I’m a work in progress, but aren’t we all? The more I say “Yes” to Him, the clearer things become, and I get to Honor Josiah more.

Is God asking you for a Yes? Maybe stirring your heart? I totally understand how hard the questions can be. It’s scary and requires total trust in Him. Fear Not!! You just may be the answer to another Mom’s prayer.

I hope you find this comforting when you feel you’re in the wilderness…..

My Prayer For You

“God, I am so thankful that you go each step of the way with us. Whatever the season, you are our comfort. While some of us are willing to say “Yes” to a new thing, others may feel as if they’re merely Surviving. Please let each Mom know that you understand exactly where they are, supplying enough strength for each day. This journey is personal and we trust your timing in the broken places. In the most Holy name of Jesus…Amen”

I love you and pray for each person that finds their way to this page. I’d also love to hear your stories. If you’d like to talk, I’ll listen.